Here, on a revolving planet that seemingly stays in the same spot or at least in the same area, my work is being a human and in my free time I work on expanding past the human state. With closed eyes, I visit different dimensions. With open eyes, I apply for jobs to sustain a comfortable life on Earth. To sit with both immediate and actual realities sometimes makes my head spin. To know what is real and have to indulge in the unreal anyway. Like Stuart Wilde said, at some point in the ascension, when you see you cannot go any further unless you give up your human body, and then that’s not right, you must turn back. To see the sublime and look back…
It’s like looking at an ugly painting. Oh, do we have to hang it in our bedroom, dear, so I must see it every day I wake up and before I go to sleep? Yes. But one can change the painting. Make the painting as beautiful as possible with good connections, a healthy vessel, yummy food and drink, comfortable clothes, nice social events, a cosy, safe space in which to live, a livelihood that pays well allowing financial stability and autonomy and engages a passion or two, makes one feel good about spending a stupendous amount of time at said job.
To sit on top of the world in meditation and then come back down. And to stay above, mentally. This is the most fabulous way of existing, I have found. But - at the same time - grounding is necessary! As clarified, money must be made. That means engaging with the world, with society, with the ‘tick-tock’, the suffering, the miserable. To fall in line with them. And to be careful not to fall back into being them, remember. It’s like walking on a tightrope!
On a tightrope, does one look down? Or straight ahead? Recently, I have found myself being pushed about here and there, in the mosh pit of the miserable masses, mood subject to what occurs in each moment. Oh what a miserable existence. Difference is, at times I caught sight of the grand pendulum that swings up above. A few times I have caught hold of it but have forgotten the discipline it takes to hold on and climb up, and have, with sweaty hands made moist by the pressures of trying to figure everything out my finite-and-often-weak self, slipped into the crowd below. But the full moon is here, today, and everything changes.
Oh, life. What is it all about? What am I doing here? Can this be my last one? What’s next? Will I keep coming back? Can I really trust the Universe to 100% have my back? If I follow my intuition, yes. What if I cannot hear my intuition? Empty yourself. What if I do not have the discipline, have lost it, to empty myself? Try, try again. To be willing, this is something I was reminded of the other day. My mother, recently suffering, mentioned the word WILLING. ‘I AM WILLING TO SIT WITH THESE UNCOMFORTABLE FEELINGS’, something or other like this, and I was inspired. Was it not my own mouth that spoke words of willingness in my own early prayers for salvation? Did my own throat not bring these words to fruition, did my own hands not write these words over and over again, in efforts to affirm these truths: ‘I AM WILLING TO CHANGE, TRUST, RELEASE BLOCKS TO MY TRUE SELF AND MY HIGHEST GOOD’.
Oh, to forget. Oh, to remember! Oh, to think like this - what a thing. When I was younger I longed to be unconscious. At least then I would not be aware of my suffering - would it then not be better, more manageable? Instead of suffering, being aware of the suffering, being aware of how my suffering is making everyone else suffer, etc. How I longed to be a simple being with no responsibility and no depth. With depth brings awareness of the darkness inside, and to face that, yikes, pain. It’s different now - a large part of the darkness subsided all those years ago, and now I know how to face these things with gratitude and safety that the light inside can erase that darkness, however seemingly large, in an instant. Light will always win. Just turn on a light in a dark room. It works the same way in the mind and heart.
The Universe, who has provided me with incredible joy and love, does not disappoint. Sometimes it works slower than I think I would like. But then I think:
Things aren’t happening as I’d like, or are not coming to me as fast as I’d like. Am I blocking my highest good in some way? Yes, identified, my sleep and eating patterns are askew, those I can easily* fix. I can commit to twice daily stretching the vessel and meditating, as well as body scans before sleeping and after awakening, plus visualisations of golden light of unconditional love filling up my body, from the feet to the head, imagining each subatomic particle switching up its vibration, oscillating faster. Oh, the tingles!
If I am doing all I can to assure connection with The Universe, and still no fruit is appearing from the seeds I’ve sown - many a seed indeed - then what is the purpose of making me wait? Could there be a complex rooted in patience and trust I need to look at and move past? Hell, yes.
So then it becomes clear that the only way to get what I want is to release getting what I want. This is just the type of thing The Universe does. It is amusing and hard! It makes me laugh. Oh she’s so clever the way she makes me work out my own salvation. Ha-ha. OKAY, Universe, I see you. I understand! (I most definitely don’t understand, but I’ll go with what you’re communicating to me).
So I affirm, and I discipline. And I try not to get bogged down in it all. And I try to stay equanimous and be aware of my thoughts, and not be reactive to triggers reminding me of the emptiness of the current moment, knowing it’s not empty after all, everything that is mine is brewing and bubbling under the surface, waiting for me to release it all, trust in the truth of what I am typing, be grateful for what is, pray, meditate and look after myself, for it to be able to bubble up and manifest in the form of a purposeful financially abundant work opportunity and a safe living space just for me in which I can live the simple life I must aspire to live.
I have recently felt so overwhelmed with all the wonderful things I want to do. I have a long dream list. And this makes me overwhelmed. So after an explosion of tears last night and subsequent meditations, I have realised that many of these dreams are perhaps the ego in disguise, so I will release them all. And what is meant for me, what is REAL and coming not from ego but from my gifts of life, or ways The Universe has in mind for me to spread love, will come. Without effort. Just like meeting my then-future music producer on the street. No effort was involved in that, in terms of searching online and pursuing it myself. Just like all the exemplary stories in my current book, gifted to me by my neighbor nuns - Realities of Faith by M. Basilea Schlink - the gift was dropped directly in my path. Or in their case, many times, on their doorstep. It should be noted, though, that many times, intuitions are given to look something up online, or to apply for something online, which too bears fruit. But I have the distinct feeling that all the major moments and opportunities in my life relating to my own highest good, my own divinely-guided path, will come from unconventional sources, such as in present life, rather than via a screen. Although the screen always plays an important part in getting me to that large place…
Those of whom have experienced it will understand it. The unique misery of finding oneself back down on Earth, pushed and pulled by the immediate reality and those who dwell only in it, after existing on a higher plane for a while. It’s crashing from Heaven to hell. And like with a case of Stockholm syndrome, I made hell look so appealing for a time. But to look up and realise you’re down - what a sensation. And what an incredible blessing, to know how to make the rope ladder that surpasses the pendulum and reaches up into that divine plane again, the one where there is no being swayed by that or those on the earthly plane, where everything is laid out in front of me, where I’m separate, but also more one with all than ever.
Tis a very curious thing, a very very curious thing indeed. To live in both realms. To exist as a human and eternal soul at the same time. It’s a lot, and recently has felt like too much. Like I have to choose. But I cannot have one without the other. If I dive into my human self, I experience only suffering. If I dive into my true self without regard for human needs, suffering too prevails. A balance is needed, and that is what I am WILLING - wanting - and able - to work out.
Thank You
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